Forehead Smacking

Ever had one of those moments where you just roll your eyes at yourself and think, "where was my brain?!"? Then your palm invariably makes its way towards your forehead and you give yourself a good smack, right? Well I had a moment like that this morning.

I tripped down the stairs, rubbing sleep from my eyes, and plopped down on the couch, much like any other morning. Mom had a scrapbook open and Dad had his bible out. After a few minutes he got up to refill his coffee cup and casually commented on how wet the floor still was. I looked questioningly at Mom and she said, "Apparently someone started to refill the Brita pitcher and left the water running last night."

There it was. Did you catch it? My forehead smacking moment.

Yes, it was me. Our faucet tends to run slowly, so around 1 a.m. last night I had started to refill the pitcher and then went down to switch my laundry over before going to bed. And in the process I forgot the water!

Thankfully Mom got up around two to discover a curious dripping noise and a really really wet kitchen rug. The rug had soaked most of the water up and the mess wasn't too big.

So other than my red forehead, no real harm was done.

(Oh, by the way, God totally dealt with my fear issues and camp was freakin' awesome!!!!!!)

Camp

Wow, I haven't blogged in way too long.

Okay, so camp is in two days. Sunday morning we will go to the church at 10:00 a.m., and begin our epic journey. As excited as I am, I'm having some fear issues. I know, I know, it's ridiculous for a seventeen year old to be scared of leaving home for a week. But all the same, I am.

It started about three years ago. We were traveling home from KC, and we witnessed a really bad wreck. I cannot tell you how much that has messed with me. Ever since then I've struggled with fear when taking trips without my parents. I've worried that when someone leaves the house, they might not come back. It has affected my driving very negatively. I can't tell you how many bad dreams I've had about crashing the car.

As long as I'm with Mom or Dad, I'm okay. But for some reason whenever I face being separated from them for any extended period of time, I'm afraid. Even if it's a good thing that I'll be gone for, like camp.

And don't get me wrong, I really really want to go to camp! I wanted to go to a camp last year. I prayed for it. I asked God for it. And I was super excited when Mom and Dad said yes! God totally brought this together. So why am I so afraid?

Then last night I had a dream. We, (the whole family, though Dad didn't really have an active role in the dream,) were at an amusement park and we were staying on this little platform thingy with no walls and only a roof that was attached way up high to the side of a building. It wasn't a ride, it was like our hotel or something only we were the only ones dangling midair. Weird, right?

It seemed completely normal in the dream and it was nearing the end of the day and Kathryn and I were trying to decided what to do with our last half hour. Devin had texted me and invited the two of us to hang out with him and the rest of the youth group somewhere in the park. Kathryn wanted to go, (of course, haha,) but I was a little more unsure. I wanted to make sure that Mom would be okay and for some reason in the dream, (I can't remember why, now,) I was afraid that something might happen to her if we left.

Then while we were still deliberating about it on our little platform, a red dragon came out of nowhere and shot flames at us a few times before flying off again. Completely weird, right?

Kathryn and I had just decided that we would go join up with the others and started to pray and ask God to keep us all safe, when the dragon came back, almost in retaliation to our prayer. We all ducked and scattered and I quickly said, "never mind!" meaning I didn't want to go. The dragon stuck it's head under our roof and we rebuked it, but it didn't leave right away.

It flew away and that's all I remember. Since it was so weird I thought it would be a good idea to tell Mom and Dad about it to see if they thought it had any spiritual parallels. Mom immediately hit the nail on the head and said that it probably represented some internal fears and doubts about the trip. Before that I hadn't talked about or really even admitted to myself that I was scared, but she was so right. And the first step to getting over something is to admit it.

Anyway, so if you happen to think about it, pray for me. I'm sure that I'll be okay and that everything will be great because, hey, God is good! I'm just having a little trouble getting there. Writing about it helps a lot though. =)

Movies, Movies, and More Movies

One of the things that was really fun about just being the four of us while the girls were in Highlands is that we got to watch a lot of movies that Kath and I had never seen before. All in all I think we watched about seven movies that were new to us. We borrowed The Holiday and Flash Gordon from Uncle Josh and Aunt Carolyn and Mom bought Rush Hour from Wally World. I'd have to say The Holiday was my favorite out of the three, but Flash Gordon is a close second just by virtue of the fact that it is the cheesiest, best 80's movies ever. We also watched Spies Like Us, (an 80's comedy with Chevy Chase,) and needless to say it was equally amusing and ridiculous.

On Sunday we all slept in as late as we wanted to, and then stumbled out of bed to go see Terminator Salvation. It was pretty good. Fairly dark, but that's kind of a requirement for those end-of-the-world type movies. It had some really cool action sequences and stuff like that, but not as much plot as I would generally like. Still, I enjoyed it. There were so many startle moments! I think I must have jolted out of my seat half a dozen times. Haha.

It was around 4:00 when we got home and we started fixing dinner. Oh my gosh it was amazing! We had homemade guacamole and queso with tortilla chips for an appetizer while we worked on fixing baked potatoes and stuffed mushrooms with garlic, cheese, and cream cheese. Then Dad fired up the grill and made steak while Mom assembled a salad with bell pepper, tomato, and feta. What a meal! Once it was all prepared we watched Taken for the first time in the Great Room with our feast. It was so good!

And the movie was awesome too. Admittedly, it freaked me out quite a bit since the storyline is horrifically realistic and not some futuristic fantasy, but it was still really good. The Dad searching for his seventeen year old daughter did not spare anyone in his efforts. Major bad guy booty whoopin' occurred on a regular basis. Gotta love it.

So yeah, I definitely enjoyed getting to watch so many movies. =D

Food, Fun, and Friends

Wow, I haven't written in way too long. Sorry, my apologies. ;) Let me see if I can catch up on the last couple of days.

On Friday nothing particularly out of the ordinary happened until Mom got a call from Sarah Taylor saying she needed some place to be for the afternoon and evening. (Her Dad was in the hospital undergoing some tests. He is still there. The situation looks bad but God is in control so keep him in your prayers.) Anyway so she had dinner with us and we watched So You Think You Can Dance, (LOVE that show,) and talked and laughed until she went home later that evening.

Late Friday night Kath and I were watching The Holiday, (it's becoming one of my favorite romantic comedies ever,) when I got a text from Rachel asking if we wanted to do lunch the next day. Well of course we did but Kath had to be at work at one so we settled for an early lunch at Barberitos, (our traditional meeting place.) I drove the van there, (yay me! Haha!) and learned some very interesting and cool things about Mom from when she was a teenager that I didn't know before. ;)

So we got there and ordered our burritos and two large quesos to share and thoroughly enjoyed the food and each other's company. It was nice having Mom with us since most of the time we go just the five of us girls, (can't exactly snatch Mom away for a lunch outing and leave the Littles.) And since the Littles are currently visiting grandparents there was no reason for her to stay home!

After Barberitos we went to the Factory Connection which is conveniently located next to where Kath works. I think we must have spent close to an hour there just chatting and looking at clothes. One of the things that I like about the Factory Connection is that they always have long dresses. There was one hanging in the window that I had been looking at for a couple of weeks. It was gathered under the bust line and had three or four tiered layers with embroidery on every other layer. It was sort of a sienna red with cream colored thread and I just loved it. So I finally tried it on and it looked great! Since I had some cash from a recent baby sitting job I decided to get it and Mom said she'd go halves with me on it. =D

Rachel bought a cute leather turquoise purse and an adorable celery green summer dress. Caroline got a great pair of trouser style jeans...and I can't remember if Meg bought anything or not. Haha. So after making our purchases we stopped in to show Kath what we bought and she, in turn, oohed and aahed over each brilliant buy! =D

Then Meg explained to me that they really didn't have to go home yet so of course I invited them over. We started talking about fun movies and things and I told them about Flash Gordon. (We borrowed it from Uncle Josh and Aunt Carolyn and it is so funny! Cheesiest movie ever, bar none.) They decided that they would enjoy getting a good laugh and we put it on. They were already crying from laughing so hard within the first five minutes. The theme song by Queen is priceless!

Just when Flash Gordon was reaching it's end, Sarah Sutton came over to spend the evening with us while her parents were in Tally celebrating her Mom's birthday. We had a blast being together! They all stayed for dinner which consisted of spicy sausage and Cajun rice with bell peppers. Yum.

When we were finished Kath cleaned up from dinner and volunteered to make cookie dough! Oh man, it was sooooo good. Sweet and light and fluffy and oh so yummy! We made two batches and ate about three fourths of it! Haha.

Meg, Rachel and Caroline ended up staying with us until around 10:00 and Sarah left at 11:30. It was such an awesome day! I haven't had a day with friends in a long time. And we hadn't seen Meg, Rachel, and Caroline in over a month! Oh, the travesty! It was great to be able to catch up.

A New Leader

Last week Devin stepped down from leading our dance group. He said he had other things that needed to take priority and stuff like that. So Uncle Josh took over last Wednesday said he would be possibly need assistance in the near and distant future. (Dancing isn't really in his comfort zone, but he has really great ideas and stuff.) I immediately volunteered after class and he said we should talk about it some time.

This past Saturday he left a voice mail on my phone saying that he wanted to give me a chance to help choreograph a second dance for YFN, (if we win the talent show we get to preform again,) and to lead the group that is going. I was so excited! So while he teaches a drama to the group stays home, I'll be teaching our dance to the rest of them. How cool is that?

So on Tuesday in between getting my permit renewed and taking the ADAP class, Uncle Josh and I met at the church. He had taken a seven minute song and condensed it to just over ninety seconds, (that's the limit time for the talent show.) Uncle Josh is so amazing! He did a such a great job. It's an amazing song and we choreographed the first half of it. Devin came in after a few minutes and helped us figure out a few things. It was so much fun.

Then the next day I talked to Uncle Josh on the phone and he said that Devin still wanted to dance in the group if I didn't mind. I was like, "are you kidding me?! Of course I want him there!" He's a great dancer and has the passion needed for the song. I had hoped he would want to, especially since we only have one other guy in the group.

Anyway, since last night was the first night doing the new dance, Uncle Josh lead it, just to make the transition easier. Next week I'll take over. I'm so excited! This kind of thing is so up my alley. And the dance is going to be amazing! Devin says it's "sick." I know that's supposed to mean it's uber-cool and I'm sorry, but when you've spent hours feeling nauseous and throwing up in a car, the word "sick" will only make you think of one thing. Haha!

Anyway, I'm really looking forward to this opportunity. It's totally a God thing. =D

Driving

We are finally moving forward! Tuesday Mom and I stood in line for an hour at the DMV and got my permit renewed. Yes, it had actually expired. Ugh. I can't get a license until I've had 50 hours behind the wheel, 6 of which have to be at night. I've only had about 5, none of which have been around other cars. Mostly parking lot and neighborhood stuff, you know?

Later that evening Kath and I did a four hour class and test at the tech on Alcohol and Drug Awareness. (It's now a requirement for getting a license.) The test was ridiculously easy and we both got all twenty questions right. =P One thing I did learn is that waiting until I turn 18 to get a license will be more simple because until you turn 18 you are only eligible for a Class D license which has extra restrictions on it. If I wait I can get an adult license without doing anything in between.

So for the next few months I'll be driving Kath to and from work in the van, (YIKES!) I drove her to work today, but I let Mom take over on the way back. I had had enough for now. It was so nerve wracking! The van is one big hunk o' junk and it's pretty scary driving it. My heart was beating so hard and my muscles were all tense and I was shaking and stuff. Meh.

Don't get me wrong, I want to drive. I look forward to the freedom that it will provide. But it's a pretty scary prospect. You're in control of a potential weapon, really. Plus I've had bad dreams where I was trying to drive and like totally screwed up. Doesn't help matters much.

But Mom said I did a good job so that's encouraging. I tended to lean too far to the right, but it's better than the left. I'd rather go off the pavement than hit another vehicle. Of course if I could split the distance evenly that would be even better. =P

The Weekend

On Friday afternoon Jess came over and we talked and laughed and listened to music and danced and generally had a good time. After Kath got off of work she joined us and we spent the evening doing pretty much the same. We had so much fun.

Jess spent the night and the next morning I stumbled and lurched out of bed like a drunk at when my cell phone rang. It was after ten...but it felt a lot earlier. =D You should have seen Jess imitating me scrambling for the ringing phone. So funny!

You know how last week we went to Andrew's party? Well his brother, Jonathon, decided that he wanted to do the same thing and the Little's were invited. Mrs.Jodie asked Kath and me if we wanted to come and hang around and just help where ever needed. We were cool with that and since it was either that or go home to an empty house, Jess decided to come too! We helped make sundaes for the kids and enjoyed seeing them all in their costumes. Emily was Ruby Sapphire, (my character...imagine that,) and Samantha was Kalamata Kate. They had fun.

Well Jess, Kath, and I got to talking, and since her parents were out camping for the weekend, we decided to see if Kath and I could spend the night at her house, that way she wouldn't have to be alone. Mom and Dad were cool with it and I must confess, I got a little giddy at the thought of having a whole house to ourselves without any "grown ups." Not having any responsibilities or restrictions is a pretty intoxicating experience. But we're trustworthy enough that Mom and Dad didn't have to worry about us burning the house down or doing anything stupid. Haha!

We had so much fun! We made brownies, blasted the music as loud as we could without disturbing the neighbors and danced until we were out of breath. Around 1:00 a.m. Jess suggested that we go swimming so I texted Mom just to make sure it was okay and Dad said it was fine. The water was so cold but we had a blast! We played with our shadows from the porch light and shrieked when the water splashed us.

We lasted for about an hour and then dashed inside to put on some warm pj's and wrap up in blankets. Then we settled down with Jessica's laptop and watched an episode of Lie To Me, (such a fascinating show!) We were going to stay up until 4:00, but we got tired and went to bed about an hour early. We crammed into Jess's bed and I tried not to get my hair in the fishbowl like I did last time. Haha!

The next morning we got up and watched an episode of Poirot, (gotta love BBC,) while Jessie fixed us eggs and bagels for breakfast. After that we took our time getting ready for the day, doing make up and hair while listening to music. Then Dad came to pick us up around 2:00 and dropped us off at the church where we practiced our dance a few times.

In all honesty, our outfits looked pretty cool after we got our hats on. I felt kinda like a poser in my "gangsta" getup, but it was really fun. We were all goofing around and making faces and stuff.

Since youth didn't start until 6:00, a few of us drove to the nearest BP and bought about 25$ worth of snacks, junk food, and Ramen. Then we all ate and just hung out. After awhile Kath, Jess, and I started singing together, doing three parts and stuff. We sounded pretty good together and it was a ton of fun!

Eventually youth started and after worship we dashed off to the bathrooms to change into our outfits. I didn't get nervous until the very last minute. I was so excited! And the youth room was packed! There are never that many people there. Anyway, the dance went amazingly well and I had so much fun. Everyone loved it.

After church everyone hung around downstairs and ate leftover brisket sandwiches from the youth fundraiser. They were so good! I enjoyed mingling with everyone but by the time we left I was exhausted. It was good to get home.

Better

I am doing much better emotionally after eating out with Mom yesterday. There was nothing really wrong with me other than being completely exhausted from an abnormally full weekend. Don't get me wrong, it was a great weekend and I had a blast! I just needed some me time, you know? Anyway, I'm good now. =P

Invisibility Is Not A Superpower

Seriously, it's not. It sounds really cool, but in actuality, it stinks pretty bad. If you aren't struggling with something, and those around you are dealing with major issues, you can get lost in the sea of everyone else's problems. You've got a life-saver in the midst of this vast turbulent ocean, and they don't even have those little blow up arm thingies so of course they're going to get rescued first. Makes perfect sense and I'm totally fine with that. But I've been floating for quite a while now and I'm tired.

I'm also really conflicted. On one hand I want to be a blessing to my friends. You know, listen to them, offer advice, encouragement, support, all that good stuff. But on the other, I'm a human being and I have limited resources. My little life-saver will only hold so much weight.

And being the slightly melancholy person that I am, I tend to overestimate how much I can take. So I take and take and take until I just can't take no more! (Double negative used for emphasis, I know it's not grammatically correct. Haha.)

I'm totally fine with sharing in my friends troubles and helping them get through the emotional turmoil of it all because I love my friends and that's just what you do for your buddies. And goodness knows I'll probably need it some day. But after a particularly draining period of time, I need someone to listen to me for a change.

But my sisters need a lifeboat more than I do so instead of getting to vent like I so desperately want to, (remember, I'm in the sea too, I just have a better flotation device,) I'm forced to step aside once more.

It sounds selfish, and I feel kinda guilty about it all, but I'm really tired of being invisible.


Oh, the lifeboat suddenly came within arms reach! Mom just said she is taking me out to lunch without anybody else tomorrow! Praise God! I can stand the frigid waters for a few more hours. Hope is in sight.

Photos...

Make a Smilebox slideshow

Last Week...

Monday I babysat my cousins which was a really good thing because I was broke. Haha. Kath joined me during the evening and we borrowed the movie Oscar with Sylvester Stallone and Marisa Tomei. We hadn't ever seen it before and we really enjoyed it.

Tuesday Mom took us girls to the dollar theater and we watched three movies! Paul Blart Mall Cop, Bolt, and Pink Panther Two. Our favorite of the day was Bolt. They were all really funny.

Wednesday we got our "hip hop" outfits, (see previous post.)

Thursday...I actually didn't do anything on Thursday.

Friday the Weeks came over! We had so much fun with Megan, Rachel and Caroline. They brought the first seven episodes of Lost, (Kath and I had never seen it before,) and we did a marathon that ended around 4 a.m. Haha! What a blast.

Saturday was Andrew's 16th birthday party. It was so cool! It had a "way out west" theme and everyone was given a character that we played out. We all came in costumes and everybody had secrets and things with detailed backgrounds that were written out for us. Once we all had read our basic character outlines, we mingled got into the flow of things. (I was a singer from out of town named Ruby Sapphire.) When a dead body turned up in the stables, the sheriff, (Andrew,) and everyone else had to try and figure out "who dun it." It was so much fun. Everyone did a great job of staying in character, and there were a lot of people too. About 23, I think.

Here are some pics...

http://www.facebook.com/photos/?ref=sb#/album.php?id=658025231&aid=249787

http://www.facebook.com/photos/?ref=sb#/album.php?aid=14068&id=1619221407

http://www.facebook.com/photos/?ref=sb#/album.php?aid=2015474&id=1199213716

(I'm not technically savvy, or else I would figure out a better way to do that...)


So that was last week. I should have written every day so I could've done the events better justice, but I didn't. Oh well. It's better than nothing, I guess. =D

"Hip Hop" Outfits

Well tonight instead of practicing our dance at church, we all loaded up into various vehicles and drove to Wal-Mart to find outfits for our preformance. The theme is supposed to be sort of hip hop-ish so we were looking for baggy black pants and baggy white T-shirts. Simple, right? Wrong. Turns out they got rid of all their black sweats yesterday. What are the odds?

After about fifteen minutes of fruitless searching for an alternative, Mom suggested we check out the scrubs for something black... Much to my _____ (horror? elation? relief? despair? revulsion? I can't decide...) there hung dozens of pairs of black, baggy scrubs.

I'm still trying to decide if finding those pants was a good thing or not. They are massive, unisex, and have drawstrings a mile long. Bleh. If you ever get to feeling too vain, just go to Wal-Mart, grab a pair, pull them on, tighten the drawstring, and do a slow 360 in the mirror. Believe me, humiliy is not far behind. (Get it? Behind? Haha! That was totally accidental.)

Despite the unflattering nature of the outfits, at least we were all able to buy pants that matched. I don't mind looking _____ (ugly? figureless? dowdy? poofy? Again, I can't decide...you fill in the blank, haha) as long as I'm surrounded by equally _____ looking friends. =P We also got white tennis shoes and T-shirts.

Hip hop clothes really aren't as cool as they're cracked up to be.

Random Thoughts

Well I started writing something but it was intensely depressing so I deleted two paragraphs and decided to start over. Instead I'll just write something extremely random and hope for the best. =D

Don't you love made up words? Sometimes nothing says it quite like a word that you can't find in the dictionary. For instance, here is a word that my friend's mom made up. "Frustrility." It's "hostility" and "frustration" combined and is applicable when your feelings go beyond that of mere irritation. Isn't that a great word? =D

You know, I love the fact that my Mom is dancing in the kitchen to Kelly Clarkson. She's so much fun. It's almost like having three teenagers in the house instead of two! Haha! (And yes, that is a good thing.) She's one of my very best friends. We spent nearly an hour tonight just looking at funny videos on YouTube. We laughed so hard! But we have a blast no matter what we do.

Have I mentioned how much I love the weekend? I try to stay away from the subject because I'm so obsessive about it that I tend to get carried away. Just thinking about it makes me giddy. There are so many options! I can hang with friends, stay up even later than usual, (our schedule is pretty weird what with Dad being out so late each night at work and we don't like to go to bed without seeing him,) or I can hole up in my room and read. I can write, or watch a movie marathon, (it's amazing how many I can watch before passing out,) or scrap with Mom...the possibilities are endless! But I'm hyperventilating with the excitement of it all and had better stop now.

So to sum up this random session of, um, randomness, I love made up words, my Mom, and the weekend! =D

The Woes, Pros, and Cons of Being Pale

Woe: You get sunburned really easily.
Pro: By the time that the bright red has finally faded into a light tan, it's winter again and for once you are darker than everyone else.
Con: Since it's winter, you are wearing long sleeves and jeans so no one can see your momentary triumph.
Woe: Pale hasn't been "in" for a long time...
Pro: Pairing your pale skin with styled hair and bright red lips makes for a classy 40s look, compensating for your non "in-ness."
Con: The opportunity to use this look doesn't come along as often as you would like.
Woe: You just might get mistaken for a vampire, (gee thanks, Twilight.)
Pro: Apparently vampires are really cool.
Con: From what I've heard, guys don't go for the immortal type...



Yesterday we went to the park with some friends. We were there for a few hours, and wouldn't you know it, I got sunburned. I have a bright red V on my chest. =( So last night when I was trying to avoid scratching the offending patch of skin, I thought of this blog post. Haha.

Really though, I'm happy with my skin color. I just don't like sunburn. But it did give me the opportunity to write a sardonic post, (like I need the excuse...)

=D

Ramblings

I was going to blog...but I don't have much to say really. No amusing, sarcastic comments or profound revelations. No unusual events or outrageous happenings, nothing much at all. I could go into a detailed description of every dish I cleaned this morning, but the only profoundness in that is profoundly boring.

But I guess it's better to write something from nothing than to not write at all...so I'll make a go of it.

For starters I feel somewhat better today than I did yesterday. I slept in till noon, which was totally awesome, and I didn't have to do math again, (heh heh heh. I believe the correct word for that is "malinger," meaning to feign illness or inability to escape a responsibility. But I really am technically sick so it's okay. ;) My throat is still sore and my head still hurts but I'm sure I'll be fine by the end of the weekend. Sunday morning, to be more precise, because we have tentative plans to visit the beach for a day! The possibility of getting to sea, er I mean see, the ocean is enough to make anyone feel good. =D

This afternoon we got invited to see a movie with some friends, but I couldn't very well not do math and then waltz off to the theater, (turns out malingering has a downside. Haha!) But in all honesty I was too tired to go anyway. So Kath got some sun in the backyard, I played the Wii, =D, and then we watched a movie together. The afternoon passed pleasantly and all in all it's been a great day.

Meh...

That is how I feel. Just meh, with maybe a little bit of blech mixed in. I got up this morning, went downstairs, and nearly fell back asleep on the couch. My throat hurts, my head is fuzzy, my eyelids are heavy, and the only good thing about it is it got me out of math. Have you ever tried doing math when you are sick? It's like, the worst thing ever. Thanks, but I'll pass.

So now I am comfortably settled in Mom and Dad's bed with the laptop. I'm trying to decide whether I should read or watch a movie. Sleeping actually sounds pretty good too. Hmmm...

Well yesterday, as you all know, was April Fools. Am I the only one that thinks that is just about the most ridiculous holiday ever? I mean seriously. What is the point of having a full day dedicated to nothing other than the manipulation and humiliation of fellow human beings? While not quite as bad doing math when sick, it's still pretty bad.

Other than dance group, yesterday was fairly abysmal. The conflict level between the two younger members of our family was through the roof. It basically threw the entire day. I hid in my room for most of it. Meh...again.

I usually prefer to post happy things, (excluding my Life As We Know It, post. =P) But it's raining and I don't feel good. So meh...

Life's Bane

You know how there's always that one thing that will get you frustrated, annoyed, and ready to pull your hair out, (or whoever is nearest,) in mere seconds? Well for me it's math. I've never been very good at it. I'm not horrible, I'm just not that great, and every once and awhile I just can't figure it out.

It used to be really bad and I struggled with it for years. My own failure aggravated me and I would take it out on Kath. I can't tell you how many lessons Kathryn and I spent arguing and fighting. But eventually we both grew up a little and the last two years or so have been much better.

Most of the time it's not that bad and Kath and I get along and complete a lesson in relative peace. However when it's four in the afternoon and you've already spent an hour on just the concept because it's complicated calculator stuff and the computer keeps freezing up and you still have a full set of thirty problems to go...well let's just I say I was less than cordial. Two and a half hours of that is enough to make Hell's Kitchen look fun.

But despite my trigonometrical woes, the day has been a good one. An old friend of Dad's and his family came over for brunch. They had a two year old little girl and a nine month old boy. They were adorable! And very well behaved. Mom made Swedish pancakes and scrambled eggs with onions, sausage, bell peppers, and all sorts of goodies. Poor Kath missed out because she was at work, (that was why our math session was so late in the day.)

And now we are all going to the rink for some skating and fellowship with a bunch of youth peoples. I'm so excited! I LOVE skating and the opportunity doesn't come along very often. Mom is tired, but I think she'll have a good time once we get there. =D

Writing...

I wrote in my book today for the first time in months. Yes, it's been that long, *hangs head in shame.* And like an old friend that I've neglected for too long, it wasn't very happy with me and punished my by not cooperating. The words refused to come smoothly and each made their way onto the page, (computer screen, really,) with difficulty. I suppose I deserved it. Even so, I was able to write a full page. It doesn't sound like much, I know, but I was still proud of myself at the end of it.

Life has been decidedly better the last two weeks. Especially since Dad started working at Red Elephant. Dominos was just not working out. The atmosphere was bad, the pay was horrible, and Dad absolutely hated it. So when he was approached about a position at Red Elephant, he jumped at the chance! The people are nice, the 80s music is great, and the pay is actually worth the work. What a novel idea!

The chances for keeping our house are hopeful at this point. I can't tell you what a difference it has made in my day to day life. Just knowing that it's possible is so encouraging. Sigh.

So instead of being a downward spiral, life seems to be looking up. Thank you, God!

Silence

I can't tell you how much I enjoy having the house to myself! It's so pleasantly quiet and peaceful. It's also very very rare. I hardly ever get left home alone, so it's quite a treat. Today Dad and Kath are at work, the Littles are with Gran and Grandpa, and Mom is out to lunch. Voila! I get the house to myself!

The only sounds are the clacking of my fingers on the keyboard and the music from my playlist. Ahhhhh. Sweet contentment.

Bad Books Are Therapeutic

At least that's what my friend, Caroline, told me. And frankly, I'm inclined to agree with her. Every time I read a badly written book I think, "hey, I could totally be published if this thing made it!" It's encouraging in a strange way.

Then there are days when I try to write, and it all comes out in a disjointed, tangled mess of words. I read over what I've just written, heave a disparaging sigh, and wonder if I'll ever make it. Then I happen upon some ridiculous little novel and it's positively amazing what it does for my self confidence! Haha

The book I'm reading now, however, falls into a puzzling category. I can't quite decide if I like it or not. The storyline is really fascinating, parallel universes, dragons, and knights in shining armor can hardly be anything else, but the execution is a little lacking. Like perhaps it was written for a younger audience? Maybe I'm too picky. Oh well. =)

Home!

Good news! There's a chance we may get to keep our house! Keep praying!

May I Have This Dance?

Melanie and Jeff got married on Saturday! The ceremony was gorgeous and Mel was absolutely breathtaking. We bridesmaids had our hair done up in a forties style with matching red lipstick and these totally awesome heels that matched the guys' shoes. It was so much fun. Since the wedding was outside, the heels had a tendency to sink into the ground. There are four piles of upturned earth where we were standing for the ceremony. Haha!

Every wedding I've been to for the past five years has got me thinking about mine. I think most girls do that. So I sigh at the "you may now kiss the bride," and wistfully watch their first dance as a man and wife. And this time I actually cried at the daddy-daughter dance. They played Cinderella by Steven Curtis Chapman and I started thinking about leaving Dad, and how hard it will be. It didn't help matters that Daddy wasn't there due to the fact that he had to work, (which completely sucked.) I tell you what, my man is going to have to be one heck of a guy in order for me to leave Dad.

After the ceremony, pictures, and food, (which was incredible!) began my favorite part of any wedding. The dancing! One of the first songs was the twist, and to my amazement, Gran was out there doing it too! I couldn't believe it! She had the biggest grin on her face. It was totally awesome.

After a few fast songs, they played a slower one, (I'm pretty sure it was At Last, by Etta James,) and I left the dance floor because standing there all alone while couples slowly fill up the empty space is just not cool. Haha. I saw Steven and walked over to him to chat. He smiled and kind of raised his eyebrows and held out his hand. I don't think my grin could have gotten any bigger as we returned to the dance floor. At seventeen, I had finally been asked to dance, and I couldn't have been more pleased. I just love Steven. He's such a sweetheart. =D

The dancing went on and I had the time of my life. We all gathered in a cramped circle and did the salsa to Sway sung by Michael Buble. It was so much fun! I was glad I had brought a more comfortable pair of heels to wear after the ceremony because the salsa just doesn't look quite as good in bare feet. ;)

So we danced and danced and partied and celebrated and just enjoyed the experience. We did some improv line dancing and goofy little things like that along with all the usual upbeat antics. Mom told me that Mrs. Jodie asked where I had been dancing on Friday nights! Haha! Mom just said that I had been dancing since I was two. I don't get to let loose in a group setting like that as much as I would like, but I'm really enjoying Wednesday's dance and drama class.

Being a bridesmaid in Mel's wedding was such an awesome experience. When Kath and I found out about it we jumped up and down and squealed. Haha! We were talking about being in the wedding, and anyone in a bridal party is a part of the "in crowd," so to speak. So if you are in Melanie's "in crowd," you must be really really cool. Haha! Aren't we silly? The neat thing is that the only other wedding we've been in was Aunt Carolyn's as flower girls.

Anyway, it was all beautiful and amazing.

On Sunday I was completely exhausted, partly because I had only gotten five hours of sleep on Friday night before getting up early Saturday morning to prepare for the wedding. So I lazed around watching movies, eating junk food and gingerly using my sore feet. =D It was a great weekend.

In All Fairness...

There are still things to be thankful for despite our dire predicament. We are all healthy, we all have good relationships with each other...okay well most of us have good relationships with each other. It's not like we are all dying or anything. It's just really hard trying to face losing our beloved home.

But amazing friends and family provide ample consolation and encouragement, and I am so thankful for them. God is a constant comforter and I know that at the end of this all, things will be okay.

I'm just not looking forward to the tunnel before the light. And it feels like we've been in this nebulous cloud of financial uncertainty and lack for such a long time that it seems unfair for it to get worse instead of better.

And I know we aren't the only ones facing this type of situation. It's spread across most of the nation. But in my current myopic frame of mind, it is easier to focus on my own problems and issues. I have to stop and remember that we aren't the only ones. And in a sad way, it's comforting to know that we aren't alone.

Life As We Know It...

Is over.

We are going to lose our house. And there isn't a *!@#% thing I can do about it. What do you do when your parents tell you that your only option is to start over somewhere else? To give up everything and leave home? Where do you go with that emotionally?

You find an uncluttered corner in your mind, crawl over to it, plop down, and cover your head with the darkest, thickest blanket you can find. You become numb and cold, and just hope that when it's all over you can wake up again.

That's kind of how I feel. You know I haven't cried a single tear over it? How is that possible? I have no idea. I'm the only one in my family who hasn't cried about it all. And I'm a passionate person. It's like it's all buried too deep inside of me and I can't really get it out. I might not be able to handle it if I could.

I'm like Elanor in Sense and Sensibility, sitting on the stairway drinking my cup of tea while the world tumbles down around my ears. I see it happening. I hear it coming. But I can't do anything about it. So I sit and wait, seemingly calm, but struggling to escape despair's grasping claws.

I want to cry and scream and throw things against the wall. I want to do something outrageously emotional. Anything to release the internal pressure. But I'm too tired and weary. And what would be the point anyway? Better just to sit quietly with my cup of tea.

I wish I could escape.

I don't want to think. I can't think. Thinking isn't helping right now.

Grannie took us to the library yesterday and I got a ton of books. At least I can hide in the engaging story lines for awhile. Pretend what's going on around me doesn't exist.

He Really Does Love Me

Well there's a lot of really tough stuff going on right now, the biggest thing being the possibility of losing just about everything, mainly our house. So needless to say, the depths of despair have been calling. Finding that balance between facing reality and holding on to hope is difficult at best. Especially when I just want to curl up in the corner and shut out the world.

Trust is a difficult thing. God is all powerful, and able to rescue us from this situation at any moment time, there's no doubt about it. But is that what He has for us? Learning to accept the fact that that might not be His will and that we might lose our house, but trusting that He knows best anyway, definitely stretches the faith.

But today God reminded me that He loves me in the form of two of my friends, Megan and Rachel. They came over for the afternoon and completely lifted my spirits. We laughed, and talked, and when Meg had to leave briefly, I poured out my woes to Rachel. She listened and assured me that she and her family are praying for us.

Then when Meg came back we watched the alternate ending to the Disney Channel movie Get A Clue. It's actually one of the better Disney Channel movies and is very entertaining. Anyway, in the original version the bad guy is a fake detective and in the alternate ending the bad guy is a female principle. In both versions the villain is stopped by getting smashed by a giant layered cake. Well they hadn't completely finished the alternate ending so when the principle is laying on the floor smothered in cake, it's not her voice grumbling and groaning through mouthfuls of icing. It's the guy's voice. It sounds so funny! We laughed hysterically and I even rewound it.

It is such a blessing to have friends. I honestly don't know what I would do without friends like Meg, Rachel, Caro, Abbie, my sister Kathryn, and my Mom. Thanks God! =D

Slow Dancing in a Burning Room

Well the room wasn't exactly burning, but it was really hot. Haha!

Tonight we went to the Jones house as a fam and we had a blast. We hadn't seen them in a few months since they moved, (they used to be our next door neighbors.) Last spring in anticipation of an upcoming wedding, we decided to combine our limited knowledge of ballroom dancing and increase our reptoire together. We got pretty good but were disappointed when it rained on the outdoor wedding, making dancing impossible in the muddy ground.

But Anna's older sister is getting married this year and they assured us that there will be plenty of dancing at the wedding! So we brushed up on our "skills" this evening with Zach, Adam, and Anna. It was a blast! I totally fell apart when I tried to teach Zach the salsa. Latin dance has never looked so ridiculous. And he was totally doing it on purpose. How he exaggerated each move so amusingly and kept such a snobbish expression on his face, I'll never know. I couldn't do a full five steps without dissolving into laughter. It was so much fun.

Since the room was so small it got really hot really fast, (hence the title ;) So Adam brought in an extra fan and that made it better. =D

We also played charades and goofed around like kids usually do, making lots of noise in the process. I miss the days when we would go over and just hang out or swim. But nothing lasts forever, and it's not like they states away. Just twenty minutes or so. It was a lot easier when all we had to do was cross the street though. Haha.

Bowling Pins Meets Twitter

I just love it when Abbie gets bored. She always does the coolest stuff when she's bored! Haha!

I was checking my email when I saw that I had a Twitter follower request from Jayne Holloway, one of our Bowling Pins characters! I was so surprised and amused that I laughed out loud! Then Abbie and I promptly began making Twitters for the other characters, all ten of them! We spent the entire evening doing it and having a great time.

The characters have been talking back and forth through Twitter and I just get such a kick out of it. Sam really likes one of the characters, Trevor Huntington, so I made him follow her as well. She is so cute. She even voted for him on the the poll we have on our blog.

That much to say, I am LOVING collaborative writing. I've never done it before Bowling Pins and I think for a first effort it is coming along splendidly! It's a little far fetched, but hey, so is the idea of a century old vampire falling in love with a highschooler. So really, ours isn't all that unrealistic in comparison. =P

Wonderful Megan

Today is Megan's birthday! So yesterday Kath and I went out to lunch with Meg, Rachel and Caroline. We ate at Barberitos, our traditional meeting place, and then, also according to tradition, went to Publix and split giant sugar cookies with sprinkles. I think one of my favorite things about the cookies is that when you hold them your fingers get stained with rainbow polka dots. It's so cute!

We also stopped at a little clothing store that's right by Publix. There was the most adorable skirt there! It was tiered and gathered so it flared out at the bottom. The colors were white, bright green, hot pink, lavender, and a patterned tier. Rachel and I both tried it on and LOVED it. But sadly, I'm broke. =( So I couldn't get it. So Rachel said she would buy hers and let me borrow it!

I reluctantly hung up the skirt telling God how much I wished I could get it, but thanking Him for the fact that I was able to spend time with my friends.

Then after a few moments Rachel asked me if I had something to match it at home. I said yes and she said, "You know what? I'm going to get this for you. I think God wants me to do that." It was so cool! I gave her a huge hug and said thank you. Now I'm going to share with her. Isn't she sweet?

After lunch, the clothing store, and Publix, there really wasn't much we could do around town. So we rode around a bit, stopped at Office Depot of all places, mostly just for the heck of it and the possibility of cute notebooks, (I'm addicted to them, you know,) and then drove back home. We were planning on going inside and sitting and talking some more, but for some strange reason we just sat in the car and talked. And it was a really good conversation too. See, we talk so much, that it doesn't really matter where we are, just so long as our mouths are working. =D

Kath and I were trying to decide what to give Meg when we both went to look through our scarf drawers. (Yes, we actually have drawers for our scarves. =) Kath found a cute flowered green one that you can wear in your hair and I found a crocheted sparkly brown scarf with beads on the end. We also gave her a Starbucks gift card. It was so funny because she said when she opened the gift that she had been wanting a new scarf, and one for her hair! It was great. She's definitely a scarf lover. =D

We had a great time being together and it made for a wonderful afternoon! I'm so thankful for such amazing friends!

A Slingshot

Okay, so I know this is my third post of the day, but I was thinking earlier, all of my posts so far have been kind of serious. And I wanted to post something, uh, not serious. And no, I'm not an obsessive blogger, I'm just a teenager with lots of free time on the weekend. Haha.

So my friend writes all this crazy random stuff and it absolutely cracks me up! She is so funny! And speaking of cracking up, I was reminded of something she said when I went to Mel's lingerie shower today.

One of Mel's friends had, rather, uh, creatively wrapped her package with a colorful thong instead of a bow. And the first thing I thought of was Abbie jokingly saying, "Look, Mommy, a slingshot!" (She was with us when we were buying our gift for Mel.) So yeah, that was really funny.

New Seasons

We've just recently started a new season in life and it's really exciting! About four years ago we became a part of the "Anti-Church" group, (I'm so going to wear the life out of that phrase now!) and left our church. So for a long time now we haven't attended really anything. At all. No dance lessons, or group activities or sports or anything. We go to a home group which we love, but all of the members are of an older generation so while Kath and I benefit from their wisdom and input we haven't had any peers to connect with.

Now we do have friends, don't get me wrong. We have AMAZING friends and I love them all! Unfortunately we don't get to see them as often as we would like because they live an hour away and the other friend lives seven hours away so face to face contact time be difficult to arrange. Thank God for the internet! Haha!

Anyway, we weren't lacking best friends, we just wanted time to mingle with other teenagers and be a part of a big group. You know, youth group activities and that sort of thing. But being a part of the "Anti-Church" makes that rather difficult...

Until a few weeks ago when we had a huge family discussion, that is. Turns out Kath and I were getting more desperate than we realized. We had stopped participating in the home group. We just sort of sat around and listened, waiting for it to be over. Well Dad got frustrated with our lack of involvement in the home group and we were frustrated in our lack of involvement in society in general. So basically we all had desires and expectations that weren't getting met and it all kinda blew up in our sitting room.

Dad said we needed to be more spiritually focused as a family and that that didn't mean attending an "all youth event." He looked at me and said he was "detecting resistance from me," and wanted to know why.

I'm like, no kidding. Seriously, I was ticked off. I shot back, "what's the difference between an all youth even and an all older people event?" Now I am never outspoken like that towards Dad. I'm honest, but not rude. Respect is lesson number one, you know? So for me to blurt that out so angrily was evidence of some deeper feelings.

Dad just kind of looked shocked and at a loss for words. I felt kinda bad, but not enough for me to bite my tongue.

And Mom, wonderful, diplomatic, insightful Mom, said that the difference was that the older generation has wisdom that the younger doesn't, but that the younger group has similar experiences and can relate better. And that we need both.

So the end result was that Kath and I agreed to be participators instead of observers at home group, and Mom and Dad said it was okay for us to start getting involved with the youth group at our old church. See, we went there until I was thirteen, so we still know a bunch of people there. We have history. Heck, the youth pastor is my uncle.

Now we go on Wednesday nights and the coolest thing is that Kath and I joined the youth dance and drama group! That's the thing that I missed the most about church. Other than that and worship, I was really content with home group for a long time.

Leaving the only church I'd ever really known, (other than all the ones we traveled to with Family of Faith, of course,) was a really hard thing at first. It was one of those doors that got closed. But God used it to draw me closer to Him. I had to wrestle with some desires, but when I surrendered them to Him, things were easier. I enjoyed meeting in the living room and all the homemade food spread out on tables in the garage. I got a lot out of it and grew spiritually.

So I was really surprised when I found myself discontent again. I hadn't had to struggle with that for over a year. It cropping up again meant one of two things. Either I was just having a bad attitude and needed to get over it, or we were about to enter a new season.

By the sixth month of frustration, I figured it was probably the latter. My bad attitudes don't usually last that long. Haha!

I think I kind of told that story a little backwards...oh well. =D I write what I'm thinking and sometimes the thoughts don't come out in chronological order. So to sum it all up, God's doing some cool stuff. And I have the most amazing parents in the world!

(Oh, just so you know, Dad wasn't super ticked or anything. He was surprised, but not mad. And we worked it all out. He's so understanding.)

More Thoughts From Last Night...

Last night when I wanted to blog, Dad gave me a twenty minute limit so I had to keep it brief. And yes, that was brief! =D Anyway, just thought I'd go back and fill in a few details that I missed last night.

When Emmanuel, (the young man we talked with,) prayed for us he specifically asked for God to give us dreams, visions, poems, songs, books, and even movies! Seriously, how cool would that be? I love acting and and I would love for God to use that for His glory.

A big "theme" you could say was unity throughout the night. Joel talked about how coming back to town was kinda of weird because he had about two hundred friends spread throughout twenty different churches. He said, "I even have some friends in anti-church." I laughed so hard! What a funny way to put it. Anti-church. Anyway, he prayed that God would bring the churches in our area together and that the walls that divided us would be torn down.

Joseph said that he felt God was telling us to remember. To keep in mind the good things that He has done throughout the years. He talked about the Israelites briefly, about how you read a few chapters in the new testament and it feels like a few weeks but it was really a matter of years. And you think, if I had seen the red sea part I would remember. Then he said, "But if I saw the red sea part forty years ago...it might be hard to remember." He said that God isn't necessarily going to perform miracles every day, but we get to walk with Him every day. How cool is that? We get to walk with Him every day.

There were other things too that people spoke and prayed about, and anyone with a burden got to share. It was funny to me, because it was like "anti-church," in a church building in the sense that there was the same freedom to speak out that we have in Pastor Steve's living room. Except we actually got to do some worship with a real worship team! Haha. I think that's one of the biggest things that I miss about actually going to church. But we've started to branch out on that too now.

Once again, my blogging time is cut short. =( I'll write again later.

Closed Doors

Tonight we all went to Hebron church for some fellowship and worship. I must confess, I was a little dubious at first because I am very jealous of my free time, and the last time I went to something like this, my heart wasn't in the right place and I had a bad attitude so the time was passed very miserably. Nothing quite like watching people enjoy God's presence while you sit back with your arms crossed. Anyway, I didn't want that to happen again so I decided to just sort of go with the flow.

The worship began and once they started doing songs that I was familar with it was a lot easier to enter in. The cool thing about Hebron is they have this large, carpeted, open space at the front avalible to anyone who wants to make use of it while dancing, praying, crying on your face, or whatever. So after awhile bouncing on my toes to the music wasn't good enough and I jumped forward and danced until I thought I was going to pass out. It was awesome! I love it when there is freedom of expression through the Holy Spirit.

Another intersting thing that happened was that we reconnected with someone I haven't seen in years. Kath didn't even remember him and his family. Anyway, he was very friendly and he ended up praying for and prophesying over Em, Kath and myself. It was so encouraging!

He said that I have favor with God and with man first of all. This was confirmation for me because people have confided in me and I've found myself wondering why these people that I don't really know all that well are baring their deepest secrets. I got to talking to Mom about it and she said Dad has that kind of favor and that it's probably passed on to me as well. She said to ask God what I'm supposed to do with it and stuff like that. So it was really neat for him to specifically point out the favor factor when he prophesied.

But what he said next really got to me. He said that God had closed doors on purpose, because they were things that I would have gone for, but He had different plans and that now He was going to start opening doors. How awesome is that?!

The first thing that that made me think of was the whole youth group situation where I wanted to be a part of it but couldn't because we left the church. God closed that door and I had to trust that He and my parents knew what they were doing.

But Mom and Kath pointed out probably the biggest door that God has closed in my life. Last year I decided to enter the contest for Brio Girl. If I won, I would be able to write 12 articles for the magazine and there were all these cool prizes and things. I love writing and I belived that this would be a good opportunity to get some experience by having my words actually published. I really worked hard on my application and I waited anxiously for the letter that would tell me I was in the top twenty.

I had never wanted something that big that badly. And you can imagine my disappointment when I didn't even make the top twenty. I actually cried, and it takes a lot to make me cry. I felt like I wasn't good enough and wondered if I would ever be able to make it as an author. It was a crushing blow.

But I recovered and continued writing, obviously, and just accepted that fact that it wasn't meant to be. It still hurt every time I got a new issue of Brio, though. And seeing the article that held the top twenty, and then the top eight and then four until they finally revealed the Brio Girl was excruciating.

So for this young man to tell me that God had closed doors on purpose was such a blessing! It means I wasn't failure. It means He has something better in mind! Isn't He awesome? I am so looking forward to the new doors that are opening!

French Toast and Wisdom

I love breakfast food at any time of the day...except early morning. How weird is that? Today Mom made French toast for lunch along with sliced apples, tangerines, and kiwi. And the bread was homemade by my grandmother to boot. It was so good!

Then Kath had to rush off to work and the little girls cleaned the kitchen. I had to call them back to redo a few things that they had missed, but they're learning. I remember when Kath and I first started doing the kitchen together. When we weren't fighting about who was supposed to do what, we were singing and playing that we were servant girls in the castle kitchens. The end result was that the kitchen took two hours from beginning to end. But we had fun doing it most of the time! Chores, if at all possible, should always be fun.

I just checked my email and read the two different "word of the day," messages that I signed up for. On some days I already know both of them and it's rather disappointing, but today I wasn't familiar with either of them! Merriam Webster's is "basilisk: suggesting a legendary reptile with fatal breath and glance : baleful, spellbinding." Now, I've read this before, but I wasn't fully aware of it's meaning. "Basilisk" is one of those words that you could write a whole page about, just describing the horrible creature and filling in the details with your imagination. I like words that inspire me to write a story. Those are the best.

Dictionary.com's word of the day is "declaim: to orate; to speak in a loud and emotional manner." That makes me think of Proverbs where wisdom is "crying aloud in the streets," and pleading with the fools to give up their folly.

How frustrating is that? To know that you have a better way, that life doesn't have to be so difficult, and that there is hope. But no one listens and you just stand there, pleading to deaf ears and hard hearts.

I picture Wisdom standing on street corner, gesturing, pleading, calling out, and all these busy people are walking about quickly, not even glancing over. It's almost like they can't even hear her. Yet if they could, their lives would be so enriched.

But when I just hear the word "wisdom," the picture that automatically comes to mind is an old gentleman with a long white beard sitting calmly with his hands folded or perhaps holding a book. He looks gentle and pious, but rather emotionless.

Proverbs paints a very different picture. Wisdom is a passionate woman, pleading with mankind to come and partake of her bountiful feast. She promises life and freedom and she is anything but emotionless. The contrast is interesting between the two different ideas of the embodiment of wisdom.

Anyway, just some rambling thoughts and musings...

Just A Few Thoughts

Well I've been told I should start a blog, and I felt in the mood at the moment, so I did! I keep a journal, and I've been reluctant to do the whole online thing before because I didn't want to stop handwriting in my totally awesome leather book. Don't get me wrong, I don't have anything against writing online. It's fast, convenient, and makes it easier to get a lot of thoughts out at once. Still, there is something very satisfying about reading back over a full page of handwritten thoughts. But since I found myself with a lot of free time on my hands lately, I figured I could probably keep up with both.