Trust

You know, I really don't have anything to write. Actually that's not true. In reality I have SO much to write about that I can't decide what to put on the page and what to leave off it. I've been avoiding it simply because of its daunting nature. Here goes.
For starters, youth camp was amazing! It was quite a process though. The first night I was frustrated with God for not immediately breaking down the emotional walls I had built up. I wanted Him to throw dynamite at me and then rescue me from the rubble. He gently rebuked me and told me not to pin Him down to the first night.
The second and third nights were wonderful times of worship, prayer, and fellowship but God and I didn't really work on my heart. I got the feeling He just wanted me to trust Him to work things out in His timing.
Honestly that's what the whole week came down to, my trusting Him. I had some major revelations just prior to camp. God began revealing some ungodly beliefs that I didn't realize I was operating under.
Every time God told me He would do something for me, I didn't really believe Him. I was afraid He would change His mind. People in my life have told me they would do something for me and then not been able to follow through. Subconsciously I believed that God would do the same and I held His promises to me loosely.
Then a friend pointed out the fact that several guys that I've been close to, (both friends and guys who wanted to be more than friends,) have promised to be there for me and then sort of flaked out. They stuck by me, but only up to a certain point and from then on out I was on my own. It's kind of been a pattern over the last several years.
I naturally assumed God would do the same. I felt that He would care for me and protect me, but that I always needed to be ready to fend for myself. Even before the guy issues I learned to be self-sufficient due to the fact that I didn't want to be a burden to my family.
I shut down inside for a long time. I became almost numb, emotionally speaking. Anything I felt I tried to ignore and control because there was so many things, hard things, that my family had to deal with and I didn't want to add to it.
Boy did that backfire. I started some emotional healing at the beginning of last year but it's a slow process. I still have a really hard time asking for help, I don't cry, and I feel guilty for sharing my problems with my friends because I should be strong enough to handle it on my own.
So in addition to my natural inclinations to handle things on my own, I've had these people in my life that have proven that I need to be able to take care of myself because they won't be there for me. Why would God be any different?
In all fairness though, God has placed some amazing friends in my life. I am slowly but surely learning that they aren't going to run at the first sign of trouble and that I can trust them. Honestly, they're incredible and I am unendingly thankful for them.
Unfortunately the negative experiences aren't easy to erase and have heavily affected my relationship with God. The way I see my dad especially affects the way I view God. Don't get me wrong, Dad's amazing and I wouldn't trade him for anyone, but none of us is perfect.
Our relationship has been mostly one of him telling me what to do and my obeying. Nothing wrong with that, it just isn't very deep or emotionally personal. So naturally I've been treating God the same way. I ask Him what to do and for advice and I hear His response, but I don't share with Him how I feel so much. I have a hard time seeing Him as a my Lover and Father as opposed to instructor.
So basically just before camp I realized that I'm too self-sufficient, I don't fully trust God, I don't view Him as my Father and Lover, and that I'm afraid He won't do what He says He'll do. That's a buttload of crap to have to deal with!
Oh yeah, and I forgot to mention the whole disappointment issue. I've haven't dealt with disappointment well. I've reacted by lowering my expectations so that I'm not let down by people. There's a fine line between being content and settling for less and I'm afraid I've done a lot of settling. Which, of course, affects the way I relate to God.
I always end up doing this . . . I start out writing what is meant to be a fairly concise blog post and then I rabbit trail into the twisting depths of my heart. I apologize if you get a little lost.
So that first night I wanted God to prove me wrong and just blow through all my walls of self-sufficiency and limited expectations. But He didn't. He just told me to wait. So I waited Tuesday night and Wednesday night without anything really happening.
Then came Thursday. Let's just say the defecation hit the rotary oscillator. A situation that I was not prepared to deal with blew up in my face. It was the last thing I wanted to happen on that trip and I'm still working through the repercussions of it all.
(Don't you just hate it when people write stuff like that without telling you what actually happened? It's like they give you just enough information to be curious about what went wrong. Curiosity is a terrible thing. It's like getting that itch in the one spot on your back you can't reach and the person standing next to you refuses to scratch it. I apologize in advance for not scratching your back. I would if I could, but my hands are tied. Hey, I know! You untie me and I'll scratch your back! Deal?)
Anyway, the whole thing was so completely overwhelming that that night during worship I could only fall to my knees. I was literally curled up in a little ball on the floor. I kept trying to focus on God's awesomeness and just worship Him but I was pretty distraught.
So I gave up. I told Him that I couldn't do it and that I was unable to handle the situation. That was kind of a big deal, finally saying the words "I can't do it." And I actually said them out loud.
I saw myself in His arms, crying on His shoulder. Remember how I told you I don't cry? Well that night I cried, really cried. I totally broke down. I was sobbing uncontrollably. I don't think I've ever cried that hard in my life. Thankfully the music was loud enough that I didn't attract any attention.
I was on the floor but I knew that Jesus was standing with His arms wrapped around me. Then just as I was about to dry it up, I saw Him pick me up like a baby, carry me to a couch, and sit down with me in His lap. Wow. I was so overwhelmed by the whole experience that I was still crying when the music stopped. I don't think I've ever felt more broken or more whole at the same time. Kind of hard to explain.
So anyway, He totally took a terrible situation and turned it into the dynamite I needed to break down my walls. And then He swooped in, picked me up, and just let me cry. I needed that so very badly! Not being able to cry is a frustrating experience of epic proportions. I needed something drastic to shake me.
By the end of the week God had done a creative miracle in my heart. I can now honestly say that I trust Him. I know that He will do what is best for me. That may sound fairly elementary but for me it's been huge! There's such a peace in knowing that! I don't have to understand everything, I just have to be still and know that He is who He says He is.