Trust

You know, I really don't have anything to write. Actually that's not true. In reality I have SO much to write about that I can't decide what to put on the page and what to leave off it. I've been avoiding it simply because of its daunting nature. Here goes.
For starters, youth camp was amazing! It was quite a process though. The first night I was frustrated with God for not immediately breaking down the emotional walls I had built up. I wanted Him to throw dynamite at me and then rescue me from the rubble. He gently rebuked me and told me not to pin Him down to the first night.
The second and third nights were wonderful times of worship, prayer, and fellowship but God and I didn't really work on my heart. I got the feeling He just wanted me to trust Him to work things out in His timing.
Honestly that's what the whole week came down to, my trusting Him. I had some major revelations just prior to camp. God began revealing some ungodly beliefs that I didn't realize I was operating under.
Every time God told me He would do something for me, I didn't really believe Him. I was afraid He would change His mind. People in my life have told me they would do something for me and then not been able to follow through. Subconsciously I believed that God would do the same and I held His promises to me loosely.
Then a friend pointed out the fact that several guys that I've been close to, (both friends and guys who wanted to be more than friends,) have promised to be there for me and then sort of flaked out. They stuck by me, but only up to a certain point and from then on out I was on my own. It's kind of been a pattern over the last several years.
I naturally assumed God would do the same. I felt that He would care for me and protect me, but that I always needed to be ready to fend for myself. Even before the guy issues I learned to be self-sufficient due to the fact that I didn't want to be a burden to my family.
I shut down inside for a long time. I became almost numb, emotionally speaking. Anything I felt I tried to ignore and control because there was so many things, hard things, that my family had to deal with and I didn't want to add to it.
Boy did that backfire. I started some emotional healing at the beginning of last year but it's a slow process. I still have a really hard time asking for help, I don't cry, and I feel guilty for sharing my problems with my friends because I should be strong enough to handle it on my own.
So in addition to my natural inclinations to handle things on my own, I've had these people in my life that have proven that I need to be able to take care of myself because they won't be there for me. Why would God be any different?
In all fairness though, God has placed some amazing friends in my life. I am slowly but surely learning that they aren't going to run at the first sign of trouble and that I can trust them. Honestly, they're incredible and I am unendingly thankful for them.
Unfortunately the negative experiences aren't easy to erase and have heavily affected my relationship with God. The way I see my dad especially affects the way I view God. Don't get me wrong, Dad's amazing and I wouldn't trade him for anyone, but none of us is perfect.
Our relationship has been mostly one of him telling me what to do and my obeying. Nothing wrong with that, it just isn't very deep or emotionally personal. So naturally I've been treating God the same way. I ask Him what to do and for advice and I hear His response, but I don't share with Him how I feel so much. I have a hard time seeing Him as a my Lover and Father as opposed to instructor.
So basically just before camp I realized that I'm too self-sufficient, I don't fully trust God, I don't view Him as my Father and Lover, and that I'm afraid He won't do what He says He'll do. That's a buttload of crap to have to deal with!
Oh yeah, and I forgot to mention the whole disappointment issue. I've haven't dealt with disappointment well. I've reacted by lowering my expectations so that I'm not let down by people. There's a fine line between being content and settling for less and I'm afraid I've done a lot of settling. Which, of course, affects the way I relate to God.
I always end up doing this . . . I start out writing what is meant to be a fairly concise blog post and then I rabbit trail into the twisting depths of my heart. I apologize if you get a little lost.
So that first night I wanted God to prove me wrong and just blow through all my walls of self-sufficiency and limited expectations. But He didn't. He just told me to wait. So I waited Tuesday night and Wednesday night without anything really happening.
Then came Thursday. Let's just say the defecation hit the rotary oscillator. A situation that I was not prepared to deal with blew up in my face. It was the last thing I wanted to happen on that trip and I'm still working through the repercussions of it all.
(Don't you just hate it when people write stuff like that without telling you what actually happened? It's like they give you just enough information to be curious about what went wrong. Curiosity is a terrible thing. It's like getting that itch in the one spot on your back you can't reach and the person standing next to you refuses to scratch it. I apologize in advance for not scratching your back. I would if I could, but my hands are tied. Hey, I know! You untie me and I'll scratch your back! Deal?)
Anyway, the whole thing was so completely overwhelming that that night during worship I could only fall to my knees. I was literally curled up in a little ball on the floor. I kept trying to focus on God's awesomeness and just worship Him but I was pretty distraught.
So I gave up. I told Him that I couldn't do it and that I was unable to handle the situation. That was kind of a big deal, finally saying the words "I can't do it." And I actually said them out loud.
I saw myself in His arms, crying on His shoulder. Remember how I told you I don't cry? Well that night I cried, really cried. I totally broke down. I was sobbing uncontrollably. I don't think I've ever cried that hard in my life. Thankfully the music was loud enough that I didn't attract any attention.
I was on the floor but I knew that Jesus was standing with His arms wrapped around me. Then just as I was about to dry it up, I saw Him pick me up like a baby, carry me to a couch, and sit down with me in His lap. Wow. I was so overwhelmed by the whole experience that I was still crying when the music stopped. I don't think I've ever felt more broken or more whole at the same time. Kind of hard to explain.
So anyway, He totally took a terrible situation and turned it into the dynamite I needed to break down my walls. And then He swooped in, picked me up, and just let me cry. I needed that so very badly! Not being able to cry is a frustrating experience of epic proportions. I needed something drastic to shake me.
By the end of the week God had done a creative miracle in my heart. I can now honestly say that I trust Him. I know that He will do what is best for me. That may sound fairly elementary but for me it's been huge! There's such a peace in knowing that! I don't have to understand everything, I just have to be still and know that He is who He says He is.

Last Weekend

I was asked to speak at NCC's women's beach retreat last week. In preparation for it, I wrote out my thoughts and later made an outline from it. So I thought I would post them here for anyone who was interested. This is what I shared after reading a short story I wrote, the pith of which was learning to let Christ tell us who we are and what we are worth. =)


You know, I used to think I was a fairly confident and secure person. I didn't know everything but I was comfortable with what I did know and I was mostly secure in who I was. For several years we spent most of our time at home so I didn't go out much and I read a lot and I was comfortable with that.
And then at the beginning of last year we sort of ventured into society again. We started hanging out with the youth group at New Covenant and we went to summer camp and it was amazing. God really blessed us and it was just the right thing at the right time.
But somewhere along the line I started to care too much about what people thought of me. I compared myself to the people around me and found myself lacking in almost every respect. I wasn't as pretty or friendly. I wasn't as "on fire for God." I wasn't as compassionate. I wasn't as honest and open. The list went on.
Very soon I began to feel overshadowed and passed over. Then a guy friend of mine asked if I wanted to pursue a serious, romantic relationship. We talked as friends for a few months to "get to know each other better." Then he sort of renewed his question about a romantic future. When I told him I could not pursue that, it only took him a week to be officially dating someone else. I knew that I had been the first to say no, but the fact that he got past me so quickly stung much more than I had expected it to.
It hurt a lot. I felt thrown aside and unimportant. Honestly I felt kind of worthless.
When I realized that I had based my self-worth on how much this guy cared for me, I was shocked. I knew in my head that my value was in God, but somehow, I had forgotten that. I let someone else tell me who I was.
As easy as it was to slip into that lie and that mindset that says I'm only as good as the attention that I receive, it was a lot harder to retrain my thoughts to what He says about me. Honestly, I think that's a battle that we fight all our lives. But He sent people my way to speak His word into my heart. He showed me things and He fought my battles for me when I was too tired to fight.
For example, one night last October I was feeling really low. In a larger family like mine, sometimes there's only enough attention to give to those who need straightening out, you know? And I have a really hard time asking for help or attention. The result was that I felt invisible. I did my chores and my school and because I didn't have "problems" or "issues" I sometimes felt overlooked. I felt like nobody saw me, really saw me.
Well one night it was bothering me more than it usually did. I was in a foul mood. I think I wrote an angry journal post and then got ready for bed. I wasn't in the mood to read my bible so I was just going to skip it. But God stopped me. He told me to go to my favorite Psalm, Psalm 32, and then to read the one just before it.
So I plopped down on my bed and flipped open my bible and started reading it. It was good, but nothing was leaping off the pages or anything and I was still really grumpy but I kept reading. And then I got to verse 22 and this is what it said.
"'Out of sight, out of mind,' I said. But you heard me say it, you heard and listened."
I was astounded. There, in the middle of my pain and my bad attitude, God told me that He was listening and cared, even when I thought nobody did. I was further amazed when I realized that not only did He know everything about me, all my details and preferences and little quirks, but that He wanted me to tell Him anyway. I was astonished to discover that He wanted to learn about me!
He knows you. He sees you. He knows all the things that make you, you. And yet with all of that knowledge, He still wants to discover you. He wants to pursue you. He cares about how you think and feel. And he wants you to tell Him. How cool is that? I mean, that just blows my mind!
A couple weeks ago I discovered an ungodly belief in my heart. I had come to view the fact that I do things on my own and don't ask for help as a strength. Conversely, that lead to the belief that any time I did need help and couldn't handle something alone, that I was weak. Being weak lowered my value as a person. Asking for help diminished my worth. How messed up is that? My worth isn't based on what I can do but on what He can do through me.
So I was telling my friend about this and my struggles with worth in general, and he told me that I was "living in the wrong house." That I had returned to the servant's shack and was looking at my reflection in a dirty mirror when there was a beautiful castle just waiting for me. That was so profound to me. The whole idea of being in the wrong place when you are meant for so much more.
From that concept, I wrote the story I acted out. And I named her Em because when you spell it backwards, it says "me".
I think that everyone has felt that deep rooted feeling of being worthless. We forget who our worth is really based on. But He stands there, holds out His hand, and asks us to let Him tell us who we are. Can you really pass that up?
Just to sort of whet your appetite, here are some of the things that God says about you and me. You can find lists of identity statements and verses online but here are just a few.

You have been chosen by God and adopted as His child. Eph 1:4-6

"Long before he laid down earth's foundations, he had us in mind, had settled on us as the focus of his love, to be made whole and holy by his love. Long, long age he decided to adopt us into his family through Jesus Christ. (What pleasure he took in planning this!) He wanted us to enter into the celebration of his lavish gift giving by the hand of his beloved Son."

It never fails to amaze me that God wants to "lavish gifts on us." Sometimes we get this mistaken idea that God is sitting up there with a sledgehammer waiting for us to mess up and so we develop a fear mentality. But verses like this remind us that He is our loving Father. We are His children.


You have been forgiven and redeemed of all your sins. Col 1:13-14

"God rescued us from dead-end alleys and dark dungeons. He's set us up in the kingdom of the Son he loves so much, the Son who got us out of the pit we were in, got rid of the sins we were doomed to keep repeating."

I love the way the Message puts that. "Dead-end alleys and dark dungeons."

You can be confident that God will complete the good work he started in you. Phil 1:6

"There has never been the slightest doubt in my mind that the God who started this great work in you would keep at it and bring it to a flourishing finish on the very day Christ Jesus appears."

Whenever I read this, I think about an illustration my mom likes to use. She compared our hearts to a cluttered attic or basement. We have a very large attic and every once and awhile we have to clean it out. Well when you open the door and look at it as a whole it's really daunting, looks like it will never get done. But if you take it section by section and do a little every day, it's not so bad. And God does that for us. He doesn't come into our dark hearts and flip the light switch because, frankly, I don't think we could handle it. Instead, He brings a flash light and illuminates one small corner. He helps us clean up the mess and when that's finished, he moves the beam of light and we go at it again.


You are a friend of Christ. John 15:15

"I'm no longer calling you servants because servants don't understand what their master is thinking and planning. No, I've named you friends because I've let you in on everything I've heard from the Father."

Jesus is my friend. Isn't that just awesome? Doesn't that make you excited? The Maker of the Universe is your friend!

You are a child of light. 1 Thes 5:5
"You are sons of Day, daughters of Light. We do not belong to the night or darkness."

So, you have been chosen by God and adopted as His child. You have been forgiven and redeemed of all your sins. You can be confident that He will finish the good work he has started in you. You are a friend of Christ. You are a child of light. And those are just a few of the things that He says about you.

Something In Common

I've loved Jane Eyre ever since I saw the 1996 version with William Hurt as Mr. Rochester. But it wasn't until I read the book that I realized why I loved it so much. There are the obvious reasons, of course. Jane's spirit, Rochester's uncanny ability to make any level headed girl swoon, and the love that outlasts a crazy wife locked in the attic. What's not to like, right?

As I was reading the book, my sister, Kathryn commented, "You relate to Jane, don't you?" And I suddenly realized she was right.

Now, don't get me wrong. I wasn't abandoned by my family at a young age and never at any time have I been frozen and half starved. My best friend didn't die and while I am Jane's age, the only thing I teach is a weekly dance class.

But I understand her.

After she saves Rochester's life by putting out the fire, they share a tender moment. "My cherished preserver, goodnight!" he says. Jane waits eagerly, anxiously, all the next day for a chance to see him and speak with him. Only to discover he has left to visit the beautiful Blanche Ingram.

And what is Jane's response to this discovery?

"When once more alone, I reviewed the information I had got; looked into my heart, examined its thoughts and feelings, and endeavoured to bring back with a strict hand such as had been straying through imagination's boundless and trackless waste, into the safe fold of common sense.

Arraigned at my own bar, Memory having given her evidence of the hopes, wishes, sentiments I had been cherishing since last night - of the general state of mind in which I had indulged for nearly a fortnight past; Reason having come forward and told, in her own quiet way, a plain, unvarnished tale, showing how I had rejected the real, and rabidly devoured the ideal; - I pronounced judgement to this effect: -

That a greater fool than Jane Eyre had never breathed the breath of life; that a more fantastic idiot had never surfeited herself on sweet lies, and swallowed poison as if it were nectar."

Then, in punishment for her fanciful thinking, she draws a portrait of herself, plain and poor. Next she takes her softest, purest, pastels and paints a picture of Blanche Ingram, based on Ms. Fairfax's description. (Side note, why do blonds always get cast in the roll of Blanche? She's supposed to have black hair. I know, I know, it's a silly detail and the blond women cast in that roll have all played their parts well. But really, it's not that hard to play a supercilious, avaricious woman, when you think about it. Could't they have found a brunette to do the job? I digress. Back to Jane and her self imposed punishment.)

After having drawn both, she vows to keep them to remind herself of her worth, or lack thereof, and to compare them should she ever be tempted to imagine herself in love with him again.

As I read this, my heart went out to Jane. I understood the rush of emotion, the internal abandonment of caution, and the daring to dream and hope. I knew the crushing blow, the bone jarring halt of disappointment. I recognized the immediate self blame and the resolve to never let unrealistic expectations cause hurt again.

Yes, I understood very well.

In fact, I think I've been comparing emotional portraits for a long time. And finding my own lacking, I've lived in deference to the more beautiful and deserving.

Please don't mistake my meaning, I don't refer to romantic attachments, per say, but to life in general. I've spent the last few years minimizing my own importance and needs to avoid being hurt and disappointed. Just like Jane, drawing a plain portrait to remind herself of her place in life so that she wouldn't forget herself and hope for more than she should.

It didn't keep her from being hurt, however. And it didn't keep me from being hurt either. Rather it simply caused a different kind of pain.

Jane still loved Rochester. She couldn't help it. She loved him with every fiber of her being. Yes, this love brought her great pain, but it also fulfilled its promise of happily ever after, in the end.

As for myself, I added more and more portraits to the walls of my heart, closing up the rooms that needed too much cleaning and attention. I became almost numb, in some respects, convinced that I was doing the right thing by comparing my plain portrait to the beautiful people around me.

But, over the last six months God has done a lot of healing and a lot of growing in me, giving me my own personal Thornfield.

When Jane first arrives at Thornfield, she is controlled and withdrawn, having spent years learning to suppress her passionate nature and cater to the needs and desires of those above her. Then, as she is treated like an equal, as her opinions and feelings are considered with value, she becomes free to be herself. She learns not only to accept, but to claim her rights as a free, independent, human being with a soul just as valuable as those belonging to her "betters."

In that same way, God has placed people in my life, both family and friends, who have encouraged me to accept my value and my worth. I am learning that my identity is not based on the Blanche Ingrams of this world who would stereotype us governesses as either "detestable or ridiculous."

My self portrait is not the first to be painted in my likeness. God painted the original. He knows and created every shadow, every feature, every detail. So why am I asking an outside observer how much it is worth? Shouldn't I be asking the Artist?

You know, I really hadn't intended to go into all of that when I began this post. So if you actually read this far, I thank you for taking the time to read about my love for Jane Eyre, and the mirror it held up to my own heart.

Jane Eyre

It's no secret. I'm obsessed with Jane and Rochester. I've seen six different films and love four of them. I quote them often and will gush enthusiastically when questioned on the subject.

So Mom, knowing of my undying passion, sent me a link to the Bronte-Along. Imagine my excitement at finding others who share my obsession with the brooding Rochester and quaint Jane! ("Brooding" and "quaint" really don't do them justice, but I would need to use words with a minimum of five syllables in order to begin to describe the incredible characters that Charlotte Bronte created.)

I am going to participate in the Bronte-Along by watching the films, rereading my favorite passages in the book, (I read it for the first time, start to finish, recently. Quite a thick read and absolutely amazing.) and by blogging excessively on the subject. I may compose a few songs on the piano inspired by the characters. I warn you, however, I too, like Jane, play "a little." Rather better than some, but not well. ;)

I am very much looking forward to seeing what sort of creative ramblings, both written and played, come of this Bronte-Along. =) I'll keep an updated list of Eyre-themed blog posts on this page. Enjoy! =)

Something In Common

2009

What a year. It's been one of the most exciting, tumultuous years of my life. So much has happened. Kath and I rejoined NCC youth, we came close to losing our house, declared bankruptcy, went to YFN in Texas, spent a week with our best friends in North Carolina, I taught a girls dance group for kids camp, went to the beach for a month, wrote 50,000 words in my novel, The Hawk and The Hunter, and to top it all off, I turned 18. Whew.
A lot of good things happened. A lot of crap happened. All in all, I think '09 was better than '08. And I'm personally in a better place. Despite, or more probably because of all the difficult things, I've come through a stronger person.
I'm looking forward to this year with a positive expectation. God is good, ya know? In February I'll begin teaching a young girls' dance class and I fully intend to have completed my book by June. As for further education, well I don't really have a clue, but God does. =)
Here's to 2010!

Forehead Smacking

Ever had one of those moments where you just roll your eyes at yourself and think, "where was my brain?!"? Then your palm invariably makes its way towards your forehead and you give yourself a good smack, right? Well I had a moment like that this morning.

I tripped down the stairs, rubbing sleep from my eyes, and plopped down on the couch, much like any other morning. Mom had a scrapbook open and Dad had his bible out. After a few minutes he got up to refill his coffee cup and casually commented on how wet the floor still was. I looked questioningly at Mom and she said, "Apparently someone started to refill the Brita pitcher and left the water running last night."

There it was. Did you catch it? My forehead smacking moment.

Yes, it was me. Our faucet tends to run slowly, so around 1 a.m. last night I had started to refill the pitcher and then went down to switch my laundry over before going to bed. And in the process I forgot the water!

Thankfully Mom got up around two to discover a curious dripping noise and a really really wet kitchen rug. The rug had soaked most of the water up and the mess wasn't too big.

So other than my red forehead, no real harm was done.

(Oh, by the way, God totally dealt with my fear issues and camp was freakin' awesome!!!!!!)

Camp

Wow, I haven't blogged in way too long.

Okay, so camp is in two days. Sunday morning we will go to the church at 10:00 a.m., and begin our epic journey. As excited as I am, I'm having some fear issues. I know, I know, it's ridiculous for a seventeen year old to be scared of leaving home for a week. But all the same, I am.

It started about three years ago. We were traveling home from KC, and we witnessed a really bad wreck. I cannot tell you how much that has messed with me. Ever since then I've struggled with fear when taking trips without my parents. I've worried that when someone leaves the house, they might not come back. It has affected my driving very negatively. I can't tell you how many bad dreams I've had about crashing the car.

As long as I'm with Mom or Dad, I'm okay. But for some reason whenever I face being separated from them for any extended period of time, I'm afraid. Even if it's a good thing that I'll be gone for, like camp.

And don't get me wrong, I really really want to go to camp! I wanted to go to a camp last year. I prayed for it. I asked God for it. And I was super excited when Mom and Dad said yes! God totally brought this together. So why am I so afraid?

Then last night I had a dream. We, (the whole family, though Dad didn't really have an active role in the dream,) were at an amusement park and we were staying on this little platform thingy with no walls and only a roof that was attached way up high to the side of a building. It wasn't a ride, it was like our hotel or something only we were the only ones dangling midair. Weird, right?

It seemed completely normal in the dream and it was nearing the end of the day and Kathryn and I were trying to decided what to do with our last half hour. Devin had texted me and invited the two of us to hang out with him and the rest of the youth group somewhere in the park. Kathryn wanted to go, (of course, haha,) but I was a little more unsure. I wanted to make sure that Mom would be okay and for some reason in the dream, (I can't remember why, now,) I was afraid that something might happen to her if we left.

Then while we were still deliberating about it on our little platform, a red dragon came out of nowhere and shot flames at us a few times before flying off again. Completely weird, right?

Kathryn and I had just decided that we would go join up with the others and started to pray and ask God to keep us all safe, when the dragon came back, almost in retaliation to our prayer. We all ducked and scattered and I quickly said, "never mind!" meaning I didn't want to go. The dragon stuck it's head under our roof and we rebuked it, but it didn't leave right away.

It flew away and that's all I remember. Since it was so weird I thought it would be a good idea to tell Mom and Dad about it to see if they thought it had any spiritual parallels. Mom immediately hit the nail on the head and said that it probably represented some internal fears and doubts about the trip. Before that I hadn't talked about or really even admitted to myself that I was scared, but she was so right. And the first step to getting over something is to admit it.

Anyway, so if you happen to think about it, pray for me. I'm sure that I'll be okay and that everything will be great because, hey, God is good! I'm just having a little trouble getting there. Writing about it helps a lot though. =)