Something In Common

I've loved Jane Eyre ever since I saw the 1996 version with William Hurt as Mr. Rochester. But it wasn't until I read the book that I realized why I loved it so much. There are the obvious reasons, of course. Jane's spirit, Rochester's uncanny ability to make any level headed girl swoon, and the love that outlasts a crazy wife locked in the attic. What's not to like, right?

As I was reading the book, my sister, Kathryn commented, "You relate to Jane, don't you?" And I suddenly realized she was right.

Now, don't get me wrong. I wasn't abandoned by my family at a young age and never at any time have I been frozen and half starved. My best friend didn't die and while I am Jane's age, the only thing I teach is a weekly dance class.

But I understand her.

After she saves Rochester's life by putting out the fire, they share a tender moment. "My cherished preserver, goodnight!" he says. Jane waits eagerly, anxiously, all the next day for a chance to see him and speak with him. Only to discover he has left to visit the beautiful Blanche Ingram.

And what is Jane's response to this discovery?

"When once more alone, I reviewed the information I had got; looked into my heart, examined its thoughts and feelings, and endeavoured to bring back with a strict hand such as had been straying through imagination's boundless and trackless waste, into the safe fold of common sense.

Arraigned at my own bar, Memory having given her evidence of the hopes, wishes, sentiments I had been cherishing since last night - of the general state of mind in which I had indulged for nearly a fortnight past; Reason having come forward and told, in her own quiet way, a plain, unvarnished tale, showing how I had rejected the real, and rabidly devoured the ideal; - I pronounced judgement to this effect: -

That a greater fool than Jane Eyre had never breathed the breath of life; that a more fantastic idiot had never surfeited herself on sweet lies, and swallowed poison as if it were nectar."

Then, in punishment for her fanciful thinking, she draws a portrait of herself, plain and poor. Next she takes her softest, purest, pastels and paints a picture of Blanche Ingram, based on Ms. Fairfax's description. (Side note, why do blonds always get cast in the roll of Blanche? She's supposed to have black hair. I know, I know, it's a silly detail and the blond women cast in that roll have all played their parts well. But really, it's not that hard to play a supercilious, avaricious woman, when you think about it. Could't they have found a brunette to do the job? I digress. Back to Jane and her self imposed punishment.)

After having drawn both, she vows to keep them to remind herself of her worth, or lack thereof, and to compare them should she ever be tempted to imagine herself in love with him again.

As I read this, my heart went out to Jane. I understood the rush of emotion, the internal abandonment of caution, and the daring to dream and hope. I knew the crushing blow, the bone jarring halt of disappointment. I recognized the immediate self blame and the resolve to never let unrealistic expectations cause hurt again.

Yes, I understood very well.

In fact, I think I've been comparing emotional portraits for a long time. And finding my own lacking, I've lived in deference to the more beautiful and deserving.

Please don't mistake my meaning, I don't refer to romantic attachments, per say, but to life in general. I've spent the last few years minimizing my own importance and needs to avoid being hurt and disappointed. Just like Jane, drawing a plain portrait to remind herself of her place in life so that she wouldn't forget herself and hope for more than she should.

It didn't keep her from being hurt, however. And it didn't keep me from being hurt either. Rather it simply caused a different kind of pain.

Jane still loved Rochester. She couldn't help it. She loved him with every fiber of her being. Yes, this love brought her great pain, but it also fulfilled its promise of happily ever after, in the end.

As for myself, I added more and more portraits to the walls of my heart, closing up the rooms that needed too much cleaning and attention. I became almost numb, in some respects, convinced that I was doing the right thing by comparing my plain portrait to the beautiful people around me.

But, over the last six months God has done a lot of healing and a lot of growing in me, giving me my own personal Thornfield.

When Jane first arrives at Thornfield, she is controlled and withdrawn, having spent years learning to suppress her passionate nature and cater to the needs and desires of those above her. Then, as she is treated like an equal, as her opinions and feelings are considered with value, she becomes free to be herself. She learns not only to accept, but to claim her rights as a free, independent, human being with a soul just as valuable as those belonging to her "betters."

In that same way, God has placed people in my life, both family and friends, who have encouraged me to accept my value and my worth. I am learning that my identity is not based on the Blanche Ingrams of this world who would stereotype us governesses as either "detestable or ridiculous."

My self portrait is not the first to be painted in my likeness. God painted the original. He knows and created every shadow, every feature, every detail. So why am I asking an outside observer how much it is worth? Shouldn't I be asking the Artist?

You know, I really hadn't intended to go into all of that when I began this post. So if you actually read this far, I thank you for taking the time to read about my love for Jane Eyre, and the mirror it held up to my own heart.

Jane Eyre

It's no secret. I'm obsessed with Jane and Rochester. I've seen six different films and love four of them. I quote them often and will gush enthusiastically when questioned on the subject.

So Mom, knowing of my undying passion, sent me a link to the Bronte-Along. Imagine my excitement at finding others who share my obsession with the brooding Rochester and quaint Jane! ("Brooding" and "quaint" really don't do them justice, but I would need to use words with a minimum of five syllables in order to begin to describe the incredible characters that Charlotte Bronte created.)

I am going to participate in the Bronte-Along by watching the films, rereading my favorite passages in the book, (I read it for the first time, start to finish, recently. Quite a thick read and absolutely amazing.) and by blogging excessively on the subject. I may compose a few songs on the piano inspired by the characters. I warn you, however, I too, like Jane, play "a little." Rather better than some, but not well. ;)

I am very much looking forward to seeing what sort of creative ramblings, both written and played, come of this Bronte-Along. =) I'll keep an updated list of Eyre-themed blog posts on this page. Enjoy! =)

Something In Common

2009

What a year. It's been one of the most exciting, tumultuous years of my life. So much has happened. Kath and I rejoined NCC youth, we came close to losing our house, declared bankruptcy, went to YFN in Texas, spent a week with our best friends in North Carolina, I taught a girls dance group for kids camp, went to the beach for a month, wrote 50,000 words in my novel, The Hawk and The Hunter, and to top it all off, I turned 18. Whew.
A lot of good things happened. A lot of crap happened. All in all, I think '09 was better than '08. And I'm personally in a better place. Despite, or more probably because of all the difficult things, I've come through a stronger person.
I'm looking forward to this year with a positive expectation. God is good, ya know? In February I'll begin teaching a young girls' dance class and I fully intend to have completed my book by June. As for further education, well I don't really have a clue, but God does. =)
Here's to 2010!

Forehead Smacking

Ever had one of those moments where you just roll your eyes at yourself and think, "where was my brain?!"? Then your palm invariably makes its way towards your forehead and you give yourself a good smack, right? Well I had a moment like that this morning.

I tripped down the stairs, rubbing sleep from my eyes, and plopped down on the couch, much like any other morning. Mom had a scrapbook open and Dad had his bible out. After a few minutes he got up to refill his coffee cup and casually commented on how wet the floor still was. I looked questioningly at Mom and she said, "Apparently someone started to refill the Brita pitcher and left the water running last night."

There it was. Did you catch it? My forehead smacking moment.

Yes, it was me. Our faucet tends to run slowly, so around 1 a.m. last night I had started to refill the pitcher and then went down to switch my laundry over before going to bed. And in the process I forgot the water!

Thankfully Mom got up around two to discover a curious dripping noise and a really really wet kitchen rug. The rug had soaked most of the water up and the mess wasn't too big.

So other than my red forehead, no real harm was done.

(Oh, by the way, God totally dealt with my fear issues and camp was freakin' awesome!!!!!!)

Camp

Wow, I haven't blogged in way too long.

Okay, so camp is in two days. Sunday morning we will go to the church at 10:00 a.m., and begin our epic journey. As excited as I am, I'm having some fear issues. I know, I know, it's ridiculous for a seventeen year old to be scared of leaving home for a week. But all the same, I am.

It started about three years ago. We were traveling home from KC, and we witnessed a really bad wreck. I cannot tell you how much that has messed with me. Ever since then I've struggled with fear when taking trips without my parents. I've worried that when someone leaves the house, they might not come back. It has affected my driving very negatively. I can't tell you how many bad dreams I've had about crashing the car.

As long as I'm with Mom or Dad, I'm okay. But for some reason whenever I face being separated from them for any extended period of time, I'm afraid. Even if it's a good thing that I'll be gone for, like camp.

And don't get me wrong, I really really want to go to camp! I wanted to go to a camp last year. I prayed for it. I asked God for it. And I was super excited when Mom and Dad said yes! God totally brought this together. So why am I so afraid?

Then last night I had a dream. We, (the whole family, though Dad didn't really have an active role in the dream,) were at an amusement park and we were staying on this little platform thingy with no walls and only a roof that was attached way up high to the side of a building. It wasn't a ride, it was like our hotel or something only we were the only ones dangling midair. Weird, right?

It seemed completely normal in the dream and it was nearing the end of the day and Kathryn and I were trying to decided what to do with our last half hour. Devin had texted me and invited the two of us to hang out with him and the rest of the youth group somewhere in the park. Kathryn wanted to go, (of course, haha,) but I was a little more unsure. I wanted to make sure that Mom would be okay and for some reason in the dream, (I can't remember why, now,) I was afraid that something might happen to her if we left.

Then while we were still deliberating about it on our little platform, a red dragon came out of nowhere and shot flames at us a few times before flying off again. Completely weird, right?

Kathryn and I had just decided that we would go join up with the others and started to pray and ask God to keep us all safe, when the dragon came back, almost in retaliation to our prayer. We all ducked and scattered and I quickly said, "never mind!" meaning I didn't want to go. The dragon stuck it's head under our roof and we rebuked it, but it didn't leave right away.

It flew away and that's all I remember. Since it was so weird I thought it would be a good idea to tell Mom and Dad about it to see if they thought it had any spiritual parallels. Mom immediately hit the nail on the head and said that it probably represented some internal fears and doubts about the trip. Before that I hadn't talked about or really even admitted to myself that I was scared, but she was so right. And the first step to getting over something is to admit it.

Anyway, so if you happen to think about it, pray for me. I'm sure that I'll be okay and that everything will be great because, hey, God is good! I'm just having a little trouble getting there. Writing about it helps a lot though. =)

Movies, Movies, and More Movies

One of the things that was really fun about just being the four of us while the girls were in Highlands is that we got to watch a lot of movies that Kath and I had never seen before. All in all I think we watched about seven movies that were new to us. We borrowed The Holiday and Flash Gordon from Uncle Josh and Aunt Carolyn and Mom bought Rush Hour from Wally World. I'd have to say The Holiday was my favorite out of the three, but Flash Gordon is a close second just by virtue of the fact that it is the cheesiest, best 80's movies ever. We also watched Spies Like Us, (an 80's comedy with Chevy Chase,) and needless to say it was equally amusing and ridiculous.

On Sunday we all slept in as late as we wanted to, and then stumbled out of bed to go see Terminator Salvation. It was pretty good. Fairly dark, but that's kind of a requirement for those end-of-the-world type movies. It had some really cool action sequences and stuff like that, but not as much plot as I would generally like. Still, I enjoyed it. There were so many startle moments! I think I must have jolted out of my seat half a dozen times. Haha.

It was around 4:00 when we got home and we started fixing dinner. Oh my gosh it was amazing! We had homemade guacamole and queso with tortilla chips for an appetizer while we worked on fixing baked potatoes and stuffed mushrooms with garlic, cheese, and cream cheese. Then Dad fired up the grill and made steak while Mom assembled a salad with bell pepper, tomato, and feta. What a meal! Once it was all prepared we watched Taken for the first time in the Great Room with our feast. It was so good!

And the movie was awesome too. Admittedly, it freaked me out quite a bit since the storyline is horrifically realistic and not some futuristic fantasy, but it was still really good. The Dad searching for his seventeen year old daughter did not spare anyone in his efforts. Major bad guy booty whoopin' occurred on a regular basis. Gotta love it.

So yeah, I definitely enjoyed getting to watch so many movies. =D

Food, Fun, and Friends

Wow, I haven't written in way too long. Sorry, my apologies. ;) Let me see if I can catch up on the last couple of days.

On Friday nothing particularly out of the ordinary happened until Mom got a call from Sarah Taylor saying she needed some place to be for the afternoon and evening. (Her Dad was in the hospital undergoing some tests. He is still there. The situation looks bad but God is in control so keep him in your prayers.) Anyway so she had dinner with us and we watched So You Think You Can Dance, (LOVE that show,) and talked and laughed until she went home later that evening.

Late Friday night Kath and I were watching The Holiday, (it's becoming one of my favorite romantic comedies ever,) when I got a text from Rachel asking if we wanted to do lunch the next day. Well of course we did but Kath had to be at work at one so we settled for an early lunch at Barberitos, (our traditional meeting place.) I drove the van there, (yay me! Haha!) and learned some very interesting and cool things about Mom from when she was a teenager that I didn't know before. ;)

So we got there and ordered our burritos and two large quesos to share and thoroughly enjoyed the food and each other's company. It was nice having Mom with us since most of the time we go just the five of us girls, (can't exactly snatch Mom away for a lunch outing and leave the Littles.) And since the Littles are currently visiting grandparents there was no reason for her to stay home!

After Barberitos we went to the Factory Connection which is conveniently located next to where Kath works. I think we must have spent close to an hour there just chatting and looking at clothes. One of the things that I like about the Factory Connection is that they always have long dresses. There was one hanging in the window that I had been looking at for a couple of weeks. It was gathered under the bust line and had three or four tiered layers with embroidery on every other layer. It was sort of a sienna red with cream colored thread and I just loved it. So I finally tried it on and it looked great! Since I had some cash from a recent baby sitting job I decided to get it and Mom said she'd go halves with me on it. =D

Rachel bought a cute leather turquoise purse and an adorable celery green summer dress. Caroline got a great pair of trouser style jeans...and I can't remember if Meg bought anything or not. Haha. So after making our purchases we stopped in to show Kath what we bought and she, in turn, oohed and aahed over each brilliant buy! =D

Then Meg explained to me that they really didn't have to go home yet so of course I invited them over. We started talking about fun movies and things and I told them about Flash Gordon. (We borrowed it from Uncle Josh and Aunt Carolyn and it is so funny! Cheesiest movie ever, bar none.) They decided that they would enjoy getting a good laugh and we put it on. They were already crying from laughing so hard within the first five minutes. The theme song by Queen is priceless!

Just when Flash Gordon was reaching it's end, Sarah Sutton came over to spend the evening with us while her parents were in Tally celebrating her Mom's birthday. We had a blast being together! They all stayed for dinner which consisted of spicy sausage and Cajun rice with bell peppers. Yum.

When we were finished Kath cleaned up from dinner and volunteered to make cookie dough! Oh man, it was sooooo good. Sweet and light and fluffy and oh so yummy! We made two batches and ate about three fourths of it! Haha.

Meg, Rachel and Caroline ended up staying with us until around 10:00 and Sarah left at 11:30. It was such an awesome day! I haven't had a day with friends in a long time. And we hadn't seen Meg, Rachel, and Caroline in over a month! Oh, the travesty! It was great to be able to catch up.